Things that failed relationships teach you
You really shouldn’t think of failed relationships as being a waste of time, love and effort on your part. Relationships end and there isn’t much you can do about it. If it is meant to end it shall do. There is always something to learn about yourself and relationships when once comes to an end. I am going to share with you some things that failed relationships teach you.
Let us begin
- Sex is one hell of a drug – apparently. I can just about vaguely remember this activity. Some people say it is like riding a bike; well I hope not because I used to keep falling off mine. But seriously with the right person, it is a heady cocktail and it keeps you healthy. Those hormones that are released are necessary for well being and keeping the bond alive with intimacy. You also get to learn techniques along the way.
- Insecurities will eat you alive – I’m not joking either definitely one of the things that failed relationships teach you. Being in the wrong relationship or having the wrong mind set will make you ill. Are you insecure about your physical appearance? I know what this feels like especially after being pregnant three times. For those of you who have not experienced this yet, imagine blowing up a balloon three times and then look at it afterwards… the men I date don’t seem to understand this. Unlike celebrities, most of us women can not afford to have tummy tucks after each child. Insecurities come about too when you do not trust your partner which leads to the next bullet point.
- Trust takes time to build but can break in an instant – One of my ex-partners who I loved more than anyone betrayed me, he spoke to women online behind my back in a sexual nature, visited them too on occasion and when I found out it broke my heart, I didn’t believe in that saying until it actually happened to me. It wasn’t just an emotional pain it was a physical pain too. I wasn’t able to trust him afterwards and that made me insecure for a very long time.
- Communication – You need to be able to open up to your partner or what is the point. You should be able to talk about anything and everything without fear of being judged or ridiculed. You in return must have the ability to listen I mean really listen. It won’t last long if you can’t talk to the person you are supposed to be in love with or listen to them either.
- Strengths – Vulnerability is a strength. I feel vulnerable every time I meet someone new and I have to stop building that wall around me that I have built up. I have to acknowledge the feeling of vulnerability to be ready to accept what could be something truly wonderful. You need to put yourself in their hands and trust with all your being.
- Love – Love is not just a feeling it is a choice, it is also real as real as you and me. Peoples capacity of love differ greatly, my ex I mentioned above had placed far too many conditions on it and rarely made me feel the love that I craved. The love I have spoken of before on my blog. It has to be unconditional there is no question of that. You can’t love someone just because they do a certain thing for you or you expect them too. We have to love completely and utterly with no conditions and expectations. I agree sometimes that is scary but anything else is a lie.
- Don’t settle for going for someone you can grow with – You need to know what you want from life and a partner I think before you start that journey. I loved my husband when I got married but I got married far too young; early 20’s and I changed, I also suffered from undiagnosed post natal depression which was the final nail in the coffin I think. But we remain friends and always will be. My point is that you think you will grow together but more often than not you will grow apart.
- Trust your gut – now this is something I have been very guilty of ignoring until now that is. I used to ignore it. It would be screaming at me, telling me no he’s a psycho… me “oh don’t be daft stupid gut I’m sure he has a nice side” – well guess what he didn’t, and neither did the next or the next. I learnt my lesson the hard way but it was a lesson well learnt and I now listen to my gut and it fails me no longer. I’ve learned to listen to that little voice in my head, and the feelings in my gut which people refer to as your second brain. They speak the truth. A psychic medium once said to me, “you’d love a serial killer because he has nice hands” he wasn’t far wrong. A case of not seeing the wood for the trees. Open your eyes, feel and listen.
- Treat your relationship as a priority – this goes without question well you would think so wouldn’t you. My ex had a priority and that was his X Box until 3 am or 4 am every morning, followed by talking to other women online. I’m not repeating all this because I am bitter because I am far from it I am just using them as examples. If you want your relationship to work you have to put it first. It is something that you have to work for, and there will always be a level of compromise but that is a small price to pay.
- Don’t chase someone – apart from making you look like a desperate numpty if you need to chase someone they are not the one for you. If you are important to someone they will show it and vice versa. No game playing, and don’t mess with someone’s feelings giving them hope where there is none.
- Getting hurt makes you stronger – I do believe this to be true and I used to be such a bloody doormat. I gave people far too many chances always believing that in my heart they are really good people and capable of changing. Well were they buggery. I think we do build up a protective wall for a while, but when you have digested it all and you realise it wasn’t your fault or it just wasn’t meant to be, you change the way you view it and start to realise just what it is you do and don’t want from being in a relationship.
- Accept them for who they are – I’ve kind of already touched on this a little bit when referring to unconditional love. They were a certain way when you met them so don’t expect them to be different or change three months down the line. Respect their values and the things that are important to them and make them who they are. You have no right to make or expect them to change.
- We are all individuals – this goes without saying. We are all unique and so we should be. It’s great if you have joint hobbies but it’s great if you have ones just you like too. You are not two peas in a pod, you are not joined at the hip. Although if that’s how you want to be as a couple that is fine too. I think what I am trying to say is don’t expect your partner to conform to your idea of what they should be. Let them be themselves.
- Love can be dangerous – yes it can but so can crossing the road with your eyes closed. I think you just need to keep a bit of common sense around you in the early stages. If someone seems controlling they usually are and you will find out nine months in when you end up with a black eye that your gut was telling you about and to reverse and quickly.
- We all make mistakes – Don’t we just. All kinds of mistakes some over and over until you learn the lesson. I have made tonnes of the bloody things, mistake after mistake and I also think this sits along nicely with communication. I think if we communicate better there will be fewer mistakes. It’s not rocket science really is it? We are human beings or as I say spiritual beings in human bodies. We are here to learn lessons and graduate to university (heaven for want of a better word). So yes you can make your mistakes; that doesn’t mean I’m giving you permission to go around making them left right and centre. Just appreciate we are all human and forgiveness goes a long way to healing someone and also yourself.
- The perfect person doesn’t exist – well apart from me that is – JOKE Sorry I couldn’t resist that. But not one of us is perfect but it seems that a lot of people need to be reminded of this. I get chatting to men on dating sites. As soon as they find out that I’m not a size 12 and that I’m overweight or curvy as I like to be referred they disappear. The thing is weight can be gained and it also can be lost. However arrogance and fickleness I find quite an ugly trait and sadly usually stay with someone. I have no special kind of person I go for. The most important thing for me is a sense of humour, kindness, caring, compassion, empathy, gentleness and loving. Romantic is also a plus together with a great smile. You can not be all things to all people and dont be so quick to judge. The only person who can judge you is you no one else. None of us knows what experience of life the other person has had.
Well, there you go just a few things that failed relationships teach you.
I’m, sure there are more and if you want to share them please do.
Always good to hear other peoples points of view.
Until next time
Love as always