Excerpt from Why Rainbows May Cry
I thought I would share with you an excerpt from Why Rainbows May Cry; my book of poetry.
What is the book about?
My book as described in previous posts came about from my disastrous dating experiences. Disastrous may be a strong word, I don’t know, but all the men that I wrote about left an impression and not always good. My way of dealing with this was writing about them and for some reason, I still don’t really understand they came out in the form of poems. It got to the point I had enough to put together and publish a book. Now to spare the embarrassment and blushes of these men I did not name them as that would be very wrong to do. However, I gave them an identity relating to their job or where they were from etc. The poem I am sharing with you all today is dedicated to “Mr Oil Rig”.
Who it was about
I wrote numerous poems about ‘Mr Oil Rig’ as he affected me so much at the time. My time spent talking with him was a complete and utter rollercoaster, and I must have experienced near enough every emotion that you could do under the circumstances. There are no prizes for guessing he worked on an oil rig. The fact he worked on an oil rig never phased me at all; I knew about the length of time that is spent offshore but if anything that quite suited me as I did not want to live in someone’s pocket.
Now I spoke to this guy for a long time and the plan was that when he returned home we would meet up. We were communicating up until the point of him boarding the helicopter to bring him back. He then disappeared off the face of the earth with no explanation. I was obviously left in shock, did not know what to think or what happened. Approximately a month later he contacted me again. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and started talking with him; yet again he was on the rig. We spoke for another 3 weeks and he apologised and promised when he gets back he will meet me.
Well, he got back and I didn’t hear anything for a few days then he got in touch. We arranged to meet on a particular day and he told me he would message me when he was leaving. Yes, you guessed it the phone call or text message never arrived. I did not know what he was doing if he was still coming, no message or call. He left me feeling completely confused, broken, sad, hurt; I felt used and in limbo. Like I was just there to stop him getting bored while he was offshore. Then, my gut started talking to me; no it was shouting at me. The phrase that popped into my head was “he was married”. But that is something I will never know.
What were you thinking
I can imagine you thinking why did I not see this, why did I put up with this, why did I let him treat me like this for so long. The answer is, I was vulnerable, no actually I was very vulnerable. I had come out of a god awful relationship, one that had me sleeping on the living room floor for 8 months, no affection, I was used financially and emotionally. My bedroom got trashed by his daughter.. anyway this is another story for another time. I just need you to understand my head and my heart was not really in the right place to even consider another relationship with someone but I think I just wanted someone to hold me and Mr Oil Rig did even if it was virtual.
A bit more about the poem
The excerpt from Why Rainbows May Cry is a poem called “A Lions Heart”. I wrote so many poems about this individual and this poem is basically my coming to terms with every single bit of it and him and other men who treated me in a similar way.
A Lions Heart
What the hell was I thinking about
Crying over you
The only thing you ever gave me was doubt
Lies and deceit it’s true
You, Sir, are unworthy of any of my tears
My love, my life; or my heart
My new life it starts today
I am so ready for this life to start
You see I have been given a gift
I can forgive, forget and move on
You Sir I am afraid will have nothing
You will have to find another woman to con
I have come out of this so much stronger
And you will have to pay the price
You see I have no need to prolong this
And I will never let you fool me twice
For I am a warrior by nature
And can withstand any large fight or storm
You, my darling, are just a weakling
And your efforts to love are lukewarm
For I have the heart of a lion
I can stand proud, strong and tall
You have the heart of a mouse
All tiny, a rodent and small
So you had better not start to message me
Because for me it will be such a bore
But God help you, Sir, if you do so
Because then you will hear my roar
Reasons to be thankful
I am so thankful for experiencing this individual and the others, to be honest. Because without these experiences this book would never have happened. Also, I have grown, fought, developed, evolved, survived and won the fight; like a caterpillar into a butterfly, I have turned into a woman who knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want with regards to men. It doesn’t really get better than that.
So hats off to all of you in my book; I couldn’t have done it without you. I have achieved a dream; to have published a book and grown from it too and I now know not one of you deserved me.
What can you do
What I would love is for people to buy this collection of poems and share them with people. I’m very proud of them. They are open and honest and come from the heart. From the feedback so far they resonate inside some people, they have experienced the same or similar and can relate to them. This has actually helped some people and for that, I am so pleased and humbled. I have received a couple of messages from people who were moved to tears from some of the poems; this in itself moved me greatly.
If you wish to buy this book it is available in Kindle format and paperback. For some reason that I am still addressing the paperback comes without page numbers, you never know one day it might be a collector’s item – stranger things have happened.
Also, just to let you know on the left side of this page is a link to leave a comment. I will be moving this as soon as I can so it appears at the bottom of every post and makes it easier for you.
Thank you for reading
All my love